8:04 - Heather has autism, but she's pretty. No-name other girl has been in foster care her whole life. Typical.
8:06 - Tyra actually has a heart underneath her ginormous rack. Apparently, the theme of this "cycle" is green. Tyra wants to save the world, one selfish skinny girl at a time.
8:07 - The girl from Jersey is the first one "skinny-dipping". But they're still wearing clothes.
8:08 - Tyra impressions.
8:10 - Bianca is apparently a student/stripper from NYC. Chantal is the homesick white trash girl from the South.
8:10 - ANTM takes a stand against smoking. The real models of the world are laughing hysterically. "Smoking is really ugly". But in conjunction with champers and coke, it makes you super-skinny.
8:11 - Mila is laughing at losing her hair from chemotherapy. Heartless bitch. She'll totally win.
8:12 - Chantal: "I don't know if anyone in the world has dreamt about this more than I have." Except the other 2000 girls who tried out for the show.
8:14 - Bianca looks strikingly like Brandi a la Moesha.
8:20 - Bianca looks nasty. Rotting teeth are gross.
8:21 - Write it down. Lisa from Jersey is going to be on the cover of Vogue one day. Mark her words.
8:22 - First fight of the season. I'm surprised it took so long. Oooh, Bianca said Lisa isn't going to make it because she's an exotic dancer. Lisa said if Bianca wants to take it to that f***in' level, she will take it to that f***in level, beeyotch.
8:24 - Models trying to understand autism. This is pretty funny. "So, do you see the world a different way than everyone else?" "It's like she's on a three second delay." I tend to think Heather has an advantage because she her emotions won't come into play like everyone else's, although the meanness of other will probably make her upset. I had a friend in our gifted class who had Asperger's, and she was a brilliant artist and computer whiz.
8:32 - Oops. I was taking the dog out, and I missed the "pick-out-flattering-clothes-from-Old-Navy-in-than-a-reasonable-amount-of-time challenge".
8:26 - Jaslene the Tranny's Cover Girl commercial - It's really amazing that she is still just as fierce and just as stilted as she was a year ago.
8:33 - Everyone wants to a) win, or b) continue in the competition. Heather calls her mom (who sounds very nice and supportive and sort of like my own mom).
8:39 - First elimination. Tyra's wig looks good tonight. I think she's lost a pound or two in her face. Miss J. looks like one of the cast of Fat Albert. I can't remember which one.
Chantal - everyone loves the bedroom eyes.
Jenah - has quit smoking.
Ambreal - good, wah wah
Victoria - didn't wear a lot of jewelry. Gorgeous sad shot. Called Twiggy ma'am.
Lisa the stripper - never, ever going to make the cover of Vogue. Sorry sweetie.
Mila - is wearing a nasty dress. Empty face in the pictures.
Sarah - is, according to Tyra, an actress. Since Tyra played a giant Barbie once, she knows.
Bianca - Tyra says for her to look like
The girl from Bainbridge - okay. kind of plain.
Ebony - her legs are way skinny.
Kimberly - needs to watch her "hoochiness". Apparently, "hoochify" is a verb.
Saleisha and Heather - Heather's absolutely beautiful. I love her paleness. Kind of like Dita von Teese.
The winner is Saleisha, the T-Zone girl, and she gets an Old Navy shopping spree and ad.
8:52 - Nigel says Tyra's "pretty ugly" is the distance of her eyes.
8:54 - Apparently, that was a "controversial photo shoot". This is a non-smoking cycle. Is it also a non-drinking cycle? They needed that with Lisa the crazy drunk from a few cycles ago.
8:56 - Damn it, Janet! That's the girl from GA's name! I couldn't think of it.
8:57 - It's down to Ebony and Mila. I think Mila's out because she's slightly fat and a ditz.
8:58 - I'm right. Mila's parting quote: "If you just concentrate on the positive, the negative will just go away."
*Note: "Fascinating" is the word I use when I'm inexplicably drawn to something terrible, like "Rock of Love" or "The OC".
NOTE to readers, I KNOW I posted this almost two weeks after the show, but I'm lazy/moving/still in shock.
7:12 - During The Hills, a bunch of probably fake text messages are coming from "stars" like "[bands I have never heard of]".
8:00 - "Pre-Show Royale": Am I the only one who craves Dairy Queen right now?
8:11 - L'il Mama has a blinged out pacifier. I remember this girl in high school, Kaneisha, who had a pacifier on a chain. That weirded me out too.
8:28 - Is it me or do they ask every black person whether they're buying Kanye West or Fiddy's album, but they ask the white folks what parties they've been to?
8:32 - The "Chevy Pre-Show Royal Performance" has now been hyped nine times.
8:33 - Nicole, the only named Pussycat, in a shadow box. She's apparently going to do whatever we like (except stop).
8:35 - Lil' Wayne doesn't know how to pronounce Nicole Pussycat's last name either. As my grandpa says, "Sounds German, must be a Nazi." It would be great publicity if she was suspected of being a Nazi.
8:41 - Paris' hair looks...odd. Like my grandma's before Miss Polly brushes it out.
8:43 - Kanye West from the waist up: your college roommate's fiance's groomsman. Kanye West from the waist down: wannabe mall rat.
8:50 - Again, Paris, why does your hair make me think of Doris Day?
9:00 - I'm still trying to block out the half-assed-ness of the opening act.
9:03 - Shot of Fiddy looking longingly at possibly Brit, most likely strippers. BTW, what is it with the popularity of strippers recently? I'd be very interested to see what people could do with fully-clothed Amish girls.
9:04 - Crash. and. Burn.
9:05 - Jamie Foxx is amused at the Britney vagina jokes.
9:08 - Dear Mark Ronson, will you and your perfectly-coiffed head have a baby avec moi?
9:11 - F-up or intentional? No one wants to listen to Pete Wentz talk, but at least someone's doing something about it.
9:12 - Monster Single of the Year (good grief, was anyone not nominated for this?) - Rihanna wins! What? This is a travesty!
9:14 - Apparently, Kanye is like the sun (or a basilisk), and in order to be in his presence, you have to wear little Venetian-blind sunglasses.
9:20 - Smack That w/ the Dap Kings. I like it. It makes the lyrics slightly less offensive when combined with horns.
9:22 - According to MTV, Jennifer Hudson and Robin Thicke are the new R&B royalty.
9:23 - Quadruple Threat? What kind of award is that? I guess Justin Timberlake is 4 things: singer, dancer, voice-over dude, deflowerer of opening acts.
9:26 - FOB is OOT, but Foo Fighters sound pretty good. Wait, are those the Foo Fighters? No. Yes. Back to FOB. They smash up the place. At the beginning of the set?
9:36 - Adam Levine with Mark Ronson. I would pay for a bootleg of all the Mark Ronson stuff.
9:44 - Chris Brown is like Charlie Chaplin. Or Michael Jackson.
9:56 - Male Artist - Justin Timberlake. Funny that the one person whose videos MTV wears out is asking them to play more videos. I agree. They only played Icky Thump twice, and that was an amazing video. I could use more of the "Discover and Download" videos.
9:59 - Cee-lo with Foo Fighters. The fans there look so stoked!
10:03 - Count of Mark Ronson-led MTV show-mercials - 11
10:07 - Where's Fergie? She just won. Doesn't she want to be a part of this magical night?
10:09 - Tommy Lee annoys Pamela by whistling, and by that lingering burning sensation.
10:11 - If 'Ye dives off the balcony of his suite, I will write MTV a check right now....damn.
10:17 - FOB and Gym Class Heroes with Patrick on keys. Wait, is that Brendan Urie? Why is he not dressed up as a sadistic ringmaster or something?
10:20 - They chose to show the entire song of Linkin Park? Wow. They also censored the word "noose", but only did the "half-f" censor at another point in the song. I feel like I'm literally bleeding out.
10:24 - Best Group - Sorry White Stripes. I will console you. I will hug you and bake you a peach cobbler and make it all better.
10:30 - FOB and Rihanna might be the best part of the show so far.
10:33 - Alicia Keys...needs slightly roomier pants. Note to girls everywhere: If you have junk in the trunk, do not wrap it in satin.
10:39 - Gratuitous Mark Ronson Spot No. 17
10:43 - Make that 18.
10:45 - Jamie Foxx is drunk/high, wants you to buy Kanye's CD, and is wondering who won the fight between Kid Rock/Tommy Lee. The real winner: everyone else.
10:46 - Jennifer Garner's inner monologue: "They took me away from the cutest baby in Hollywood and made me expose my perfect skin and hair to all these contaminants, and I have to just smile for 14 more minutes." and her outer monologue: Gym Class Fall OUt...what?
10:55 - Mary J. Blige just said "Fifty Cents". Dr. Dre is wearing a Superman suit, and Rihanna Barbie wins Video of the Year.
11:00 - Apparently, Kid and Tommy Lee did have a real fight, so Did present with Yung Joc. Diddy: "Stop the Violence." The rest of us: "Just stop."
11:01 - Is that Mastodon in the Foo Fighters room? Yay, Atlanta!
11:08 - The big finale...time for a muscle relaxer and a stiff drink.
I really love Stephen Colbert. If he were a real person, I would have his babies...
